radar.

 

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Lauren Conrad is the wisest of them all.  I haven’t rewatched the Hills in years, and yet her words ring in my head every time I get that text message from the guy you spent months pining over and got no results.

So, today, of course, Lauren’s words popped into my head because I’ve inevitably stopped thinking about a boy.

It’s super hard for me to get emotionally attached to someone if there’s no basis of a friendship, and I’ve finally began to reach that point with a new man in my life.  I’ve started to care about him as a friend, and our sexual relationship has now taken on a new aspect.

The unattached human, i.e. me, is (dare I say it?) finally starting to fall in love again.

I’ll ignore the reflective cringe that occurred as I actually typed that out.

I’ve still got a ways to go.

I’m in the new, exciting, comfortable, blooming relationship – so of course, my last obsession decides to waltz back into my life.

And I say obsession as an over-exaggeration, but the truth is I was a very hopeful human being when it came to me and him.  He was off-limits in every way possible.

Friend.

Taken.

Colleague.

Boss.

And after a year of innocent (or so I thought) flirting, friendship-building, and fantasizing, he left his hierarchical position and the city.  I’d developed a crush on him within the first few days of knowing him, but as my boss I never let it become more than a work crush.  Then, upon one of his intermittent returns he let it slip that he’s always been interested in me.

It was over.

Cue the overanalysis of every word, the butterflies every time I received a text message from him, the counting down the days until he’d be back in town, the rereading of conversations – it was bad.  It was two-sided, which I take great solace in, but so, so unhealthy (let’s also call attention to his taken status – which has remained unchanged).  I couldn’t help it.

All of a sudden this fantastical idea that was always confined to just that: fantasy, becomes an actual possibility.  All those feelings you kept contained and encompassed as a “work crush,” develops into real feelings.  And it all happens in hyper-speed because you know that you’ve always felt this way but have always repressed it because it was impossible.

After months of impropriety, it fizzled out.  We live hours away, he has a significant other that he has no plans on leaving, and although it finally became a reality, it was still equally unrealistic.

Now, when I’m finally in my healthy place and have been able to let things go, he’s coming back into town.  Indefinitely.  As my boss.  Yet again.

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