a calculated psychoanalysis.

Number of glasses of water consumed: 57, 968. Number of days legal: 803. Number of times at the bar: 213. Number of times remembered at the bar: 106. Number of IDs lost: 6. Number of boyfriends: 3. Number of people kissed: 34. Number of lies, white: 1,092, lies with good intentions: 86, lies that shouldn’t have been told: 28. Number of Junior Chickens consumed: 54. Number of grudges held: 0. Number of hours spent watching television: 35,899. Number of times an entire television series has been watched, The OC: 4, Gilmore Girls: 6, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: 7, Sex and the City: 5. Number of disagreements due to defending Sarah Jessica Parker’s attractiveness: 52. Number of pets, hamster: 1, other: 0. Number of pets brought to the bar: 1. Number of pets mistreated: 1. Number of pets responsibly given away: 1. Number of problems ignored due to not wanting to face them: 1,011. Number of times a racial slur was heard: 2,126. Number of failed tests: 1. Number of hours spent straightening hair: 816. Number of spaghetti noodles choked on: 63. Number of hours spent watching Disney movies: 652. Number of times “Our Father” was heard: 2,308. Number of moments of indecision: 8,453. Number of text messages sent: 54, 895. Number of countries travelled: 3. Number of trips to the mall: 1,094. Number of jeans owned: 96. Number of unnecessary purchases: 912. Number of days wearing a uniform: 754. Number of job interviews: 12. Number of jobs: 8. Number of concerts: 33. Number of lip balm applications: 4,215. Number of hours spent thinking that old guy from Mad Men with white hair is hot: 24. Number of days spent in track pants: 457. Number of days spent in no pants: 792. Number of runs: 1,040. Number of enjoyable runs: 725. Number of cups of tea: 1,311. Number of cups of coffee: 33. Number of Skype phone calls: 9. Number of times annoyed that Skype phone calls malfunction: 9. Number of times pulled over: 5.  Number of speeding tickets: 2. Number of stubborn moments: 7,246. Number of claims that everything was ok when it wasn’t: 4,215. Number of calories consumed: 7,432,728.   Number of calories from pizza: 412,344. Number of pounds gained since university: 7. Number of times “I’m fat” was said: 942. Number of days spent overweight: 0. Number of times called dramatic: 128. Number of times believed to be suffering from a life-altering disease: 136. Number of “I love you”s, spoken: 7,246, meant: 7,198, received: 7,302. Number of true, wish-I-could-take-back regrets: 6. Number of awkward silences caused: 724. Number of times I didn’t do something I said I would: 1,114. Number of times I did something I said I wouldn’t: 31. Number of horoscopes, read: 212 believed: 164. Number of times I let fate solve my problems: 3,652.  Number of overall happy days: 7,204. Number of days alive: 7,373.


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