By Kaitlyn Forde • Western Contributor December 17, 2014 at 12:36pm
I’ve just completed my last essay of my semester. And after writing…way too many in my university career, essay format has become ingrained in my soul. It’s my last ever last essay in the fall semester. So in lieu of all my essay writing and it being exam time, I decided to parody a persuasive essay. The topic? Social media and crazy girlfriends. We all do it. Creep the pretty girl, wonder why he’s taking so long to answer his text message, curse his name when he continuously mentions his ex-girlfriend… We all have our tendencies. But at least we know we’re a little too extreme, right? The first step is acceptance. So I satirically argue how women aren’t crazy (and conclusively let a little bit of my craziness out).
WOMENS STUDIES 101
10 December, 2014
Women Aren’t Crazy: Why Men Are Always The Downfall to Relationships
Relationships are a never-ending battle. Unfortunately, often times women are seen as the downfall to failed relationships. An inaccurate portrayal of the female psyche has been disseminated and accepted into today’s society; women are seen as irrational and overemotional, frequently seen as taking extreme precautions in order to maintain their own personal happiness. Culture has come to accept females as manipulative, catty, and overbearing. In this essay I will demonstrate through the analysis of social media, conversations over text messages, and discussions of past relationships, how women are always wrongly accused of being psychotic, and are truly always the victim within relationships.
Social media has become an integral part of today’s society. Relationships have become heavily incorporated into social media: the status of a relationship is determined by when the couple becomes “Facebook official”, questions of blooming couples arise when two people post on each others walls often, or when two people consistently post Instagram pictures together. Individuals between the age of 14-34 check at least two social media platforms 17 times daily (Catty Girl News, 2014). If males understand how important social media is not just for females, but all individuals, boyfriends should also understand that pictures of their girlfriend should also be posted 17 times daily. It is evident that if boyfriends do not write, “I love you”, on their significant other’s wall biweekly, they do not love them (Kardashian, 2009). Through analysis it can be identified that if a boyfriend does not post Instagram pictures of him kissing his girlfriend, he’s trying to hide her and conclusively cheating on her with at least two others. It has been statistically proven that there is a direct correlation between number of Instagram posts the male has with his significant other, and the number of times the woman performs oral sex. This raises questions on whether or not the woman does this on purpose, thus also raising questions of the manipulation of women. Perhaps the more critical question should focus on why the male tries to hide his girlfriend from the masses. As males lack public displays of affection, women lack private displays of affection. If couples cannot love each other publicly, women rationally understand that love privately should also be withheld.
As today’s technologies are ever evolving, ways in which citizens interact also change. Relationships before computers and cell phones caused individuals to only be reachable at certain hours of the day. Couples would go hours without any sort of interaction if they were not face-to-face. Today, individuals are reachable at all times. Communication has become instantaneous; that’s a fact. There is never a time where a person is without their phone for more than three hours. Even when a boyfriend has a six-hour shift at work, they still get a half hour break; that’s Canadian law. I know you checked your phone. I know you eat at A&W and talk to that pretty girl who always works Wednesdays. So you can talk to the pretty girl at the counter, but you can’t answer your goddamn girlfriend who’s been patiently checking her phone and creeping that A&W girl’s Instagram to see if she is, in fact, at work. Oh, you bet your ass I know her Instagram name is Alexalovex0. If a boyfriend’s break is at 2:30, a text message should be sent to a significant other at the very latest 2:42. Twelve minutes is more than an ample amount of time to read my 637-word text and respond back to it. Elizabeth Harden, the author of Controlling Men: How to Get and Keep Your Significant Other, has said in order to maintain a happy relationship there must be a level of fairness, “Men are less sensitive than women, their compassion is half as strong as a woman’s, and thus, in order to make a man feel as emotionally stunted as you, whatever your man has done to upset you, you must do the same thing, except twice as harsh. This will send the message effectively” (116). Harden proves that in delayed text messaging a woman must take twice as long to answer as the male. Thus, when women do not answer for a period of twelve hours, it is not to be manipulative, it is done rightfully so. This ensures that the male feels as f*cking awful as they make women feel. This conclusively ensures fairness within the relationship, as men don’t truly possess any sort of love for anyone but themselves.
Discussions of past relationships are often a touchy and emotional subject to breach. There is a line where talking about a past partner is inappropriate. When men respond to compliments about their nice v-neck sweater by saying it is from a past girlfriend, it is highly irrational and ignorant that a woman would welcome an answer that involves recognition of a past girlfriend’s good fashion sense. Do you think women want to hear that your ex-girlfriend got you that sweater for your 18-month anniversary? You might as well say that she also ripped it off your body in moments of intense passion for the following 8 months and 3 weeks as well. The mentioning of ex-girlfriends should never be an aspect of discussion within current relationships unless it is to ensure the current girlfriend that their ex-lovers are incomparable sexually, and that he has never felt a stronger connection both physically and emotionally in his entire sexual experience combined. These comments should be followed by reassuring his girlfriend that he has never seen anyone more beautiful. Discussions relative to the aforementioned should be repeated a minimum of 13 times per month to ensure optimal happiness within the relationship (Pussycat Dolls, 2009).
In conclusion, it has become quite clear that it is men who either lack rational logic, or encompass complete and utter lack of consideration. It is not the woman’s fault that a man does not understand that women are self-conscious and need constant reassurance of a boyfriend’s unrelenting and endless devotion to them. This is not too much to ask for. All a woman needs is a man who is willing to drop everything he is doing and listen to her rant about how Jess just bought the exact same damn Michael Kors watch I just bought last month. He needs to understand that Regina George’s favourite movie is Varsity Blues. He needs to understand that when girlfriends are drunk and yell at their significant other that he was totally hitting on her friend, and then begins to sob uncontrollably, it really just means pay more attention to her. He also needs to understand that when she says she just doesn’t feel like it, she definitely does feel like it, she just hates you at the moment because you did something really stupid and annoying in the past hour. Is that too much to ask? This is in no way unrealistic. In conclusion it becomes explicitly clear that women are entirely morally and logically stable, and men are the ones that are not only ignorant, but clearly crazy in their inability to understand the rationality that lies within the female brain.
“How To Find Out Your Boyfriend’s Passwords” Catty Girl News. 13 April. 2014.
“”I Don’t Need A Man” Lyrics.” THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS LYRICS. N.p., n.d. Web. 02 Mar. 2014.
Kardashian, Kim. “Kim: Sex Star to Super Star”. Print. 2009.